“I’M SO TIRED”, THINGS WOMEN WITH CHILDREN CAN’T TELL WOMEN WITHOUT THEM NOT TO SAY!I

The latest article I had major problems with was this; “I’M SO TIRED, THINGS WOMEN WITHOUT CHILDREN SHOULDN’T SAY TO WOMEN WITH THEM”

I thought mums were all played out with this type of post. But apparently not. Julia Austin apparently felt it necessary to give us all a list of things we are not allowed to say to those golden “Childed Ones”. The article itself is ‘click bait’, but I managed to get through the stupid slide-show, and here is my response. Julia luv, listen up!!! I’m going to assume YOU have kids (not much of a leap huh?) and will address my replies to you!

I’M SO SLEEP-DEPRIVED

You’re sleep deprived? At least your sleep schedule is determined by your ownschedule. A mom’s sleep schedule is determined by when her kids go to bed, when they wake up, and when they want breakfast at the crack of dawn. A mother’s work is never done.

Poor “mom”, remind me… did you CHOOSE this life or am I going crazy? Also, apart from the ridiculous notion that you can TELL other people what to say and what not to say, you need to keep in mind that that childfree person you’re yelling at might have a terminally ill relative they were up all night with, they might have been studying all night and had zero hours sleep, they might have been working a night shift, they might be ill themselves, they might have a very sick animal they were tending to all night (not that that would count in your eyes obviously!)… THEIR sleep schedule may well be determined by outside factors. Never assume because someone doesn’t have kids that they are free to do what they want when they want!

I’VE HAD NO TIME TO GO TO THE GYM

You probably haven’t had time to go to the gym because you’ve been too busy with work or simply haven’t felt like going. Your friend who is a mom has probably been too busy with kids to find time to exercise. The gym is a luxury for her.

1/ Who even SAYS this!??

2/ Why is being too busy for anything because of work any more preferable to being too busy because of having kids. In fact, your childfree friend has no time because she’s doing something she most likely doesn’t enjoy but is forced to do. You’re too busy because you’re doing something you chose to do and probably love doing!  And for either person it makes the gym a “luxury”.

Rubbish point!

YOU’RE GLAD YOU HAD KIDS, RIGHT?

Is that your way of asking if she would do things differently? Because um…the kids are sort of here now. There’s no going back at this point.

With your general attitude, you can’t blame her for asking! You definitely do NOT seem glad you had kids!!!

THE RESTAURANT IS NOT EXACTLY KID-FRIENDLY…

Well, then why did you choose such a place for dinner? Now she has to waste time and money looking for a babysitter! Way to make your mom and her little ones feel left out.

Hmmm, because it was HER event!?? And she does not have to change her life and interests to fit her childed friends! If you can’t go coz kids, don’t go. Politely say you can’t make it as you have no babysitter and ask if you can go somewhere kid-friendly next time so you can spend some time with your friend and not have to look for and pay for a babysitter. I’m sure she will oblige.

MY DOG DOES THE SAME THING

Oh, really? Your dog does? Then you must know exactly what it’s like to be a parent, right?

Wow you bitter moo… did she SAY it means she knows what being a parent is like? She’s trying to relate to you, to converse with you and be more on your wavelength. Feel flattered coz she’s trying to hold on to your failing friendship!!!

DINNER IS AT 9 P.M.

After putting her kids to sleep, your friend goes to bed at 9 p.m. So why are you setting up late times to hang out? That’s so cruel.

Here we go again… if you can’t go, don’t go!!! And perhaps she arranges things for 9pm because she works long hours and it’s the only time she can manage. The childfree are busy too sometimes believe it or not!

YOU NEED TO GET YOUR ROOTS DONE

Oh, right. Because she just forgot. She didn’t realize her roots had grown out. Nope. Good thing you said something because she has all the time in the world to go to the salon…

1/ Again, who the hell says this?? Julia, you’re making this up as you go along.

2/ No time.. bla bla bla… heard it all before.

3/ They’re called home dye kits! Try one, they’re a great invention and mean no trip to the salon. You need to get out more.

I’M GETTING VAJAZZLED

Don’t tell your mom friend, whose vagina was put through the wringer during childbirth, about how you’re decorating your lady business.

Okay, yes, got it! Don’t chat or gossip with your “mom friend”. It’s OUR fault your vag resembles the Blackwall Tunnel. (it’s an English thing, but you get the idea).

I NEVER TREAT MYSELF ANYMORE

That’s because you spent all your extra money on your nice apartment. Your mom friend, on the other hand, spent it all on diapers and groceries.

And there we are, the stereotype childfree person who has so much “extra money”, she doesn’t know what to do with it. Well y’know what, some of us have NO “extra money” to do ANYTHING with. You should think yourself lucky you do have some, even if it’s spent on nappies and food!

CAN’T YOU JUST GET A SITTER?

They don’t just appear out of thin air! Especially not good, trustworthy, honest ones.

So explain that to her – she probably  just doesn’t understand, being childfree. You don’t have to be rude, just tell how it really is and she’ll remember and not say it another time.

YOU’RE LUCKY! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

Your mom friend would be glad just to clock in at 9 a.m. and clock out at 5 p.m. like she used to, especially if motherhood worked like that. She doesn’t even get a clock anymore.

Wow, has it been THAT long since you went to work!? I don’t know anyone who does 9-5 like they should. I used to go into work at 7am just to try and shift some of the backlog. Other colleagues would stay a couple of hours late for the same reason. Then there’s the commute home; packed trains or buses, no seat even though you’ve been running around in the workplace all day and you’re close to dropping. Stuck in traffic or waiting for delayed or cancelled trains. Then when you get in, you have to do all the things a SAHM has done in the house during the daytime, you might finally sit down at about 10.30pm after a late dinner, have an hour to TRY to chill out, then you need to sleep because you have to do it ALL again tomorrow!

Please don’t talk to working people about your hard day!!!! (see, telling you what you’re not ‘allowed’ to say is being an ass isn’t it!?)

I HAVE NO TIME TO MYSELF

If your mom friend wants to be alone, she has to plan it with her equally busy partner or pay for a sitter.

And your childfree friend probably can’t even get time alone THAT easily! She has a job to go to everyday – or did you think she can just ring in and say she doesn’t fancy going in today!??

I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME

Don’t. Even.

Yeah, that’s how I feel!! The many different lifestyles your childfree friend might be leading, that may involve more people pulling her all ways than yours does! I can’t even be bothered to list them.

WHEN I HAVE KIDS…

Your plans sound fine and dandy now but know that all that goes out the window when the kids actually show up. You never know what you will do or how you will be until you actually become a parent.

But she can have plans and ideals. She’s not telling YOU what to do, she’s saying she likes to think she’d do it a particular way. What is wrong with you? Do you take everything personally or what?

You’ll never hear that from a woman who has chosen to never have kids anyway.

YOU CAN GET DRUNK BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BABYSITTER

Yeah, but…she also still has kids who will wake her up at 6 a.m. and scream all day when she’s hung-over. Plus, she has too many responsibilities to waste time trying to nurse a hangover.

She just wants you to chill a bit, stop talking about your kids the entire time on your night out and be the friend she’s missed so much!  I doubt there’s much chance of that though – in any way at all!

I’m surprised Julia has any friends left, in fact by now she probably hasn’t!!!

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Your Opinion Is Not Needed Or Wanted – Giving It Is An Insult To EVERYBODY!

Some time back, I read a blog post that had 99% of commenters riled up in a big way… and it was this;

Your Dog Is Not One Of Your Kids – Saying That Is An Insult To Moms

In this post, a self-confessed “Crunchy Mama” drones on bitterly about how her kids are such an inconvenience and so much hard work, so how dare anybody with a dog (and I assume she means ANY animal here) call it our child and ever try to draw comparisons with her thankless task of being “mama” to her hell spawn.

So now I’m writing my anti-mama blog where I will be addressing anything I see that is hating on the childfree, I can finally really hit back at this “Ph.D Dropout” (Really? We’d never have realised…)

Say you love them, but don’t call them your “furkid.”

I have a dog. Two dogs, in fact. We got our puppies before we got our kids, and we loved them. We kissed them. We cuddled them. We bought them too many toys; we overindulged them with treats. We gave them silly pet names and let them sleep in our beds.

First of all – none of your business, lady. Secondly… you’re using past tense. What happened when, BABIES??

But never did we call those beloved canines “furkids” or “furbabies”. Because the last I checked, dogs ain’t people. 

Your puppy is not your child, so stop saying that he is. I have three children now, and I know this for certain — kids and dogs are not same.

Think about when you got your puppy. You probably picked him out at the local ASPCA, or selected him from the local breeder. Basically, you pointed to a dog and said, “That one.”

On the other hand, most mothers went through nine months of body invasion, followed by one of the most intense physical experiences of her life. Then they dropped a baby on her chest. It was all agony and joy and angels singing.

And even if you adopt, you go through paperwork and waiting hell before you find yourself weak in the knees, hands a-tremble, as you weep with joy when someone hands you your child for the first time.

Aww, MAN!!! I didn’t take (or start to take) a “Ph.D” so I didn’t realise. I thought dogs WERE people?! Are you sure they’re not just people with four legs and fur that say “WOOF”? Well, that’s me well and truly TOLD!

Yes, dog owners do that. They go to shelters, they deliberate, they look, they bond… and then their heart just gets stolen by one dog and they HAVE to have that one, they take it home and love it and care for it, and pay out for it, and protect it, the dog they chose!!! Correct me if I’m wrong, but you didn’t get to choose your kids, you were just given them and you HAVE to love them. I’m sorry you had such a hard time with your pregnancy that you call carrying your precious children “body invasion”. But it’s really not the pet owners problem if you have regrets!!!

Getting a dog just doesn’t stack up.

Yes, both puppies and newborn babies wake up in the night. It sucks to wake up and let a dog out but it sucks more to wake up and attempt to latch an unwilling, wailing infant to your breast.

Then, once you’ve managed to feed your bundle of joy, you have to get him back to sleep. The puppy doesn’t decide to party until 5am, at which point it’s time for another feeding.

Then there’s babyproofing. You puppy-proofed your house — you removed all things chewable, took up poisonous plants, and provided appropriate chew toys.

When I babyproofed my house, I had to make sure little hands couldn’t gain access to caustic cleaning fluids. I had to look for strangulation hazards (goodbye, Roman blinds) and put safety locks on all the cabinets (which are a giant pain in the ass).

If your baby is unwilling and wailing when you try to feed it, perhaps it isn’t crying from hunger. I’d suggest checking it’s nappy or burping it or whatever you do with infants! For your information, dogs have occasions where they bark uncontrollably, or just run about the house like a maniac at 5am! Same with cats.

You babyproofed your house – props to you! I’m sure all mothers and fathers do the same! What’s the significance here!?

If I failed in my duties, I’m not facing a chewed-up family heirloom; I’m looking at a dead kid and a DSS inquiry.

The stakes are a wee bit higher. 

Not that owning a dog isn’t high stakes. You’re responsible for the feeding and caring of your dog. Pet ownership is a serious commitment that should only be taken up by those who really mean to care for an animal for the rest of it’s natural life.

You’re stuck with your dog … except you’re not because you can leave. Before my husbandand I had kids, we traveled all the time — dropped the pups by the doggie spa, payed extra for playground time, and hopped the plane guilt-free.

I can’t just leave my toddlers. Sure, maybe one day I’ll be able to leave them with relatives for some overnights. But it’s not quite as simple as plunking my credit card down at the kennel.

You can mostly ignore your dog. Yes, your dog lives in your house, and yes, you love it. But your attention is not focused on the dog every moment it’s awake.

WOW, you must fail in your duties in a BIG way if dead kids are the result!

Now here’s where I start getting quite angry. You are clearly a very bad dog owner… other people are NOT however. Other people would NOT dump their beloved family members off at a “doggie spa” and then jet off “guilt free” like you apparently did before BAYBEES and would still be doing if not for BAYBEES!

And “you can mostly ignore your dog”??? Sorry lady, are you fucking serious?? If someone does that then they do not deserve a dog! And I’m guessing that is how yours are treated now. As a great big inconvenience because… CHILDREN!!!

Five minutes of inattention on my part and my toddler’s drinking bleach and bathing in the toilet.

If my kids are awake, I need to know what they’re doing, where they’re doing it, and what they’re doing it with. I don’t have to follow them from room to room, but it helps.

And at the risk of sounding like an annoying parent here: Kids do some amazing things dogs just can’t stack up to. Sure, you can teach Fido to fetch, but that pride is nothing compared to your kid learning to read.

Sheesh Ms Crunchy, you really need to get your act together!  Or stop being so paranoid. One or the other. Have you heard of playpens? I think the US call them ‘pack and play’? Amazing invention. You can put toddlers in them with a few toys and know that they’ll be safe while you turn your back for five mins. Try it!!

Congrats to your kid, but honestly… I really couldn’t give a tiny rat’s ass!!!

Both give sloppy kisses, but only one lisps, “I wuv you, mommy.”

Potty training’s more of a milestone. And can your dog draw you pictures with hearts on them?

None of this covers the myriad of things I have to do for my kids every day. My dogs watch me prepare lunches, read The Cat in the Hat, and wipe snot off people’s faces.

While my pups take their business outside, my kids require constant diaper changes.

The dogs don’t melt down when their favorite Star Wars figure breaks and they bite me a hell of a lot less. They don’t call me a “poop-head.” This is just one of the reasons I love them.

Aww, bless you. Wait till they’re older and are saying “I HATE YOU MUM”! lol

And really? You love the dogs you ignore and used to shove in kennels so you could go on holiday guilt free, huh?? Just FYI by the way, animals show their love every single day; dogs, cats, whatever animal a person may have brought into their family. With a look, a touch, a gesture, a woof or meow. And it will never change!!

I know you’ll say I sound like a self-righteous parent here.

Maybe you don’t ever want kids, which you’ll somehow make germane to the discussion, but which is neither here nor there.

Say you love your dogs. Say they make your life worth living. Say they’re your one-and-only. Call yourself a dog person.

But don’t call your dog a baby. Don’t call him your “furkid” or “furbaby.”

Because baby, it’s not even close.

Okay… “baby”. Lets break this down for you so you understand. You do not have any right to tell other people what they do in the privacy of their own homes, hell even if they want to shout “Rover, come here my little baby doggy” across the local park, they have every right. Without some jumped up little mummy who thinks she knows everything approaching them and saying “don’t call your dog a baby. Don’t call him your “furkid” or “furbaby.” I almost wish you WOULD say that to a complete stranger, and perhaps you’d find you messed with the wrong person and end up with a black eye or a broken nose!

So how about, you get on with your little life and we’ll all get on with ours.

Oh and please, for the love of God, have those sweet, innocent, NEGLECTED dogs of yours re-homed!!

Nobody Will Care You Can’t Attend As You Forgot How To Be A Decent Friend

Recently I read a blog which left me open mouthed, partly because of what was said and partly because of the horrible attitude the whole thing had to it.

The blog was called 6 Reasons We Probably Won’t Make Your Event and Why We Don’t Want You To Take It Personal. And here are my translations of each of her six excuses reasons she can’t make it.

1. We have KIDS!!! I know. I know. This one is too easy and a lot of people are tired of hearing it. However, I feel like most Need to! Especially those who do Not have kids. While we still love you, we also need you to know that you have NO idea the strange ish that randomly occurs in a household with children. A temperature that’s 2 degrees over the norm, or a baby whining because of a missed nap can drastically curve Mommy and Daddy’s care about meeting up for drinks and chatter!

Yes KIDS, you childfree fools! You know, those small, dependent, messy humans which also give us great excuses to get out of stuff we can’t really be bothered to do!  If our baby is miserable because he missed a nap, we’re not going to make your “important life event”, you literally have NO idea what busy life is like. It’s not like you work late every night, commute home on a crammed train, get home and have to do housework and cooking and then have about half an hour to get ready if you still even have the strength… you have NO idea, all this “ISH” going on here – so much “ISH”, we just cannot deal!!!

2.  We are TIRED!!! Like, not normal tired. The type of unbearable exhaustion where you fall asleep on the toilet and sneakily nod off while your child is reading “Corduroy” to you for the 678,467th time today!! Please understand that all of that Great Intention we had to make it to your housewarming just got flushed down the toilet as Soon as we sat down in one spot!

Look, you silly little single childfrees, you SAY you’re tired, but that’s just NORMAL tired. We feel the real thing, where we nod off on the toilet halfway through a number 2, or while the baby reads us a bedtime story. All of that “Great Intention” (is that a movie or a book? The capital letters make me wonder…) we had to come to your housewarming so you can show off how great your expensive furniture looks without beautiful babies to ruin it all, we just can’t now. We’re TIRED, OKAY!!!???

3.  We DON’T HAVE A BABYSITTER!!! Contrary to popular belief and practices, there are seriously only like two people in the Entire Universe, outside of ourselves, that we will allow to keep our children! Yes, we continuously crack jokes about how people can “come and get them” but ummmm, not so much! If those two individuals aren’t available, we will All stay at home! Period. There is NO outing serious enough to hound somebody to watch our children, or sacrifice their safety Just to say we attended the hottest night out of the year. Fail! That’s why we both went to college and had a whole lot of fun and got that all out of our systems! We don’t feel guilty or as if we’re missing out on anything. Sorry, but Not sorry.

The two people who will watch our precious angels are not available! They never were, even when we asked about a month in advance, but we RSVPd ‘yes’ to your invite anyway. You’re welcome!  Now we’ve reached the day itself, and, oh no, we DON’T HAVE A BABYSITTER!!! We can’t leave him with a neighbour who might turn out to be Jason Vorhees in disguise just to attend your “super-cool” party – FAIL! We never wanted to come anyway – we did all that single, childless rubbish in our youth, now our lives have MEANING!! You wouldn’t understand, you don’t have kids! We’re not missing anything anyway, we don’t like you and don’t like your parties, and we’re not going to apologise! Toodles…

4.  If ONE of us can’t attend, nine times out of ten NEITHER of us will attend!!! This is a hard one for people to understand, and we’ve lost friendships over the concept. We are Married. We are not pals, boyfriend & girlfriend, or side buddies. We are a union. A team. We make our appearances together in the situations that call for it. This isn’t really negotiable. If hubby is sick and shut in, so am I, and vice-versa. Of course this doesn’t apply to the token Girl’s or Guy’s Night Out. We respect each other’s individualized socialization. I’m referring to the things we are Both hoped to be in attendance for. This also applies to situations where one spouse may think/know that the crowd at a certain event is questionable. Again, nothing personal against You, but we choose not to put ourselves in awkward or obviously drama-filled situations when we don’t have to!

Now I’ll explain this slowly… you’re single and therefore incapable of understanding MARRIED COUPLE stuff, we’re not just boyfriend and girlfriend y’know, nothing as immature and unimportant as that! If ONE of us can’t attend, NEITHER of us will attend… unless it’s a girl’s or guy’s night. If it’s one of those, and something we think will be fun, we’ll go without the other. Otherwise, nope, we HAVE to be joined at the hip for social events.  We’ve lost countless friends over this, but we refuse to think that the problem might be with us, obviously those friends were all just unable to grasp the fact that we cannot go to these events with “questionable” clientele without each other. I mean, someone of a lower class might talk to us. Or someone without without children might try to befriend us… that sort of thing is not something either of us should have to endure alone!

Your drama filled events full of awkward silences are not high on our list of priorities – and no it’s not because nobody in our social circle doesn’t like us or know what to say to us anymore. How dare you suggest that!

5.  We actually DO have a FINANCIAL BUDGET and PRIORITIES!!! Not to rain on the parade of your $100/meal dinner party, but this week’s automatic tuition debiting from the Chase account, and the Costco diaper/wipe stock-up will probably hold a higher level of importance for us. I can cook you a fabulous meal, serve you a wonderful glass of wine, play some classic jazz tunes, and indulge you in the ambiance of my Own darn home! All for under $200. We still Love You though! 🙂

Again, not something you childfree singles would understand. You don’t have to pay out for anything, you live in a world where all your money is your own and you never have to budget, but we actually DO have a FINANCIAL BUDGET and PRIORITIES!!! Please note the capital letters and three exclamation marks, I really want you people to take this in!  The nappies and wipes we have to buy are much more important than paying for some petrol to get us to your wedding reception.  But I WILL spend an exorbitant amount if you want to come to our house, with MY choice of music, MY choice to wine, MY cooking and MY kids interrupting us every five minutes… What do you mean that makes no sense??

Love Yooouuuuu! 🙂

6.  WE JUST DON’T WANT TO GO!!! Yep, it sounds rude as hell, a bit pretentious, and will probably cause our invites to dwindle in the near future, but it’s Honest. The very few times that we actually get alone, we just want to enjoy each other! We still DO enjoy each other and we aren’t going to apologize for that. Sometimes we even just want to be left alone as a family with our boys and just relax.

Y’know what, we RSVPd “yes” or promised you we’d be there… but now the day is here, WE CAN’T BE ARSED and WE’RE NOT EVEN SORRY! We are a married couple in lurve, and we ENJOY EACH OTHER! We just want to be cocooned in a little bubble with our rugrats screaming in the background and just chill the hell out. Who needs friends, we’ve got each other!?

I just hope for her sake that her marriage never fails and she finds she needs those friends she shut out completely. I get that she needs to put her husband and kids first, I really do. But her attitude towards her friends is disgusting; “sorry, not sorry”,  “we’re not apologising”,”we don’t want to” and some of those “reasons” are straight up EXCUSES! Further ahead, when her kids fly the nest and it’s just her the partner she “enjoys” so much, she might just find herself going stir crazy and needing those friends… but they won’t be there!!!