Response to Regretful “Mom”

Sorry it’s been a while – personal problems, always got them cropping up, some worse than others. Yes, even though I have no kids, I have a stressful life… go figure!? lol

Today, I am writing an open letter to THIS clearly regretful parent with too much time on her hands, worrying about what everyone else is doing; Regretful “Mom”

Dear Regretful “Mom”,

It’s worrying to me that all I can gather from your rambling is that you sorely regret how your life has turned out, that you are not happy with motherhood! There is just no way someone would be so offended and feel that the fact some humans call themselves their dog’s (or any other animal’s) mum “trivialises” the love you feel for something in YOUR life! Just because they are different species! I’m sorry if you regret your life, but you chose your life path, now just get on with it and leave other people alone!

You then go on to list 15 things you feel “hammer home” the fact that being a “dog owner” is WILDLY DIFFERENT to being a parent. Why though? I thought you had already acknowledged that we do actually know that the two are wildly different. Was this just to pad out your otherwise sparse blog!?

1. My daughter ages one damn year at a time, not seven. She’s not gonna be a sweet, deaf old girl by 13.

You don’t say!!! She will probably, however, be a spotty, angst ridden hormonal tween who screams “I hate you” on a daily basis! What’s your point here?

kevandperry1

2. Sure, leashes have been adopted by parents. Now, I’m not about that, but I get it. Either way, I certainly can’t leave my kid tied to a pole outside of a store until I’ve finished my business (although I certainly wish I could sometimes).

Technically, you could!

3. I can’t drop my daughter off somewhere and pay to have someone bathe her, and, even if I could, it would definitely be frowned upon.

Is that something you wish you could do then? Are you jealous that dog owners can do that if they wish to? Again, I don’t get the point of stating this difference between dogs and kids. So what?

4. I can’t just keep her in the yard either. And I certainly can’t just leave her home with a wee-wee pad and a couple of bowls of food and water. Just forget about dropping her off at some kid hotel to be pampered and fed while I skip town for the weekend.

YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO A PET EITHER!!!! I thought you said you were an animal lover! Good pet parents (yes I said it) will have someone come in and feed and watch their animals.

judging

5. I can’t write a Facebook post that includes a cuddly photo and a description of all of her positive attributes, and then advertise that she is in need of a new home because she doesn’t fit in my new apartment.

Again, you SHOULD NOT DO THIS TO A PET EITHER!!! You have no idea of proper pet care. I’m imagining you did this when your first kid came along. “Free to a good home” (never mind if you’re an animal abuser or just want my dog for her fur).

child-for-sale

6. I can’t have her “fixed” to avoid unwanted early grandmahood.

That is a shame! It means it’s possible there will be more of your DNA passed on at some stage in the future!

7. I can’t stick her in a small bag under the seat in front of me on an airplane.

Okay. But can you keep her quiet please!!

8. I can’t breed her pretty little self and sell the offspring for a mint!

See, it sounds like you WANT to!!??

9. Clothes, shoes, underwear, socks, and so much more — it’s all required when parenting a child, and must be replaced with often alarming frequency.

Sorry to hear that, perhaps that’s one of your biggest regrets. You hadn’t realised how much money raising children would take!?

expensive

10. All of that “role model” stuff and the need to lead by example? It’s no joke. The weight of shaping the next Michelle Obama or Mae Jemison is all on me now.

And yet, statistically you will probably just raise nothing more than white collar workers, or even more welfare claimants!

11. Dealing with other parents is nothing like hanging out with friends at the local dog park. Nothing. 

Okay… perhaps you want to look into that. Find some other activities and some different potential friends.

12. Puberty. Enough said. Fingers crossed I come through that with at least some of my marbles.

Good luck with that! We’ll think of you whilst we’re cuddling up with our furbabies.

dogbaby

13. That $60,000 plus per year that parents need to come up with to somehow, someway send their kids to college? Try sleeping at night with that weight on your shoulders.

I don’t need to. I chose not to procreate – that is just one of many reasons! You chose to have kids, this is one of your responsibilities – enjoy! Also, you’re kind of repeating yourself, kids are expensive. We get it.

14. I will get to be a grandma. I will get to keep being challenged and held accountable for everything I say, do, and believe. She will make sure of it.

Nice assumption!! “I will get to be a grandma”… How do you know your little precious will even want kids? Perhaps she will decide to – GASP – have furbabies instead of human ones. lol  Think about it, because it’s getting more common to remain childfree as the years go by!

15. Silver lining: It will be my turn to harass her when I get old.

I get the impression someone like you already IS harassing her!! So it’ll be nothing new to her, she just won’t call or see you very often when she’s old enough to decide!

take-care-of-you-when-youre-old

I’m guessing you regretted your invite to “weigh in in the comments”…

I am off to cuddle my adorable furbaby pussy cat now.

 

I hope you feel happier one day.

 

Regards, a Fur-Mummy

The Jillian Michaels “tired” Debacle

If you’ve not seen and read this going on this last week or so, you’ve probably been living under a rock. Jillian Michaels, a woman I’d never heard of – so any accusation of just wanting to rant on her wall because she’s a “celebrity”, are way off – and who I have since learnt is someone from the US version of The Biggest Loser, and now a “Fitness Guru”, posted this on her Facebook page:

so cute

And what followed was parent vs non parent all-out war!!!

This post appeared in the Home Feed of many childfree people, was shared amongst childfree groups, and we heaved a collective sigh at yet another condescending meme about how tired parents are compared to non parents. Okay, this one is not all out saying we don’t have the right to say we’re tired, or that we don’t know what tired is, but the patronising tone is there, the use of the word “cute” as a description for her pre-kid self who thought she was tired… it doesn’t take a brainiac to see what it’s implying. The childfree community began to write on Jillian’s public wall underneath the meme, including myself. I didn’t insult anyone, swear, use the words “breeders” or “brats” or worse… yet I found my comment featuring in a daddy’s butthurt article about it. Later it appeared in another. I guess I should feel flattered that out of those thousands of responses, my words stood out so much. Although, not so impressed that the second article used my name – I certainly wasn’t asked and I’m just glad my Facebook is locked down! Parents get damned nasty when hitting out at the childfree.

And that’s what happened… as the non parents left their comments, most of them just objecting to the tone of the meme without any actual insulting or offensive words, we were hit back at by the parenting community (who have an awful lot of time to waste on social media it would appear). We were accused of moaning over nothing, and that this meme was Jillian “literally comparing herself to herself”. It’s ironic really, because in the end, all you see is a bunch of parent keyboard warriors lashing out at a minority of childfree people, reveling in their strength in numbers, and generally coming across as immature and WAY more whiny and moany than we were!! Also, angry and pretty nasty. An example of some comments;

  • I bet you’re a real firecracker at parties.”
  • “Clearly someone’s parents didn’t think parenting was a big deal…”
  • “shut your fool mouth until you know what your talking about”
  • “Referring to the whiners droning on and on about how tired they are without kids btw haha”
  • “I honestly don’t know how you deal with so many sensitive, stupid people. So many took offense to this innocent meme and made it about them. Guess what assholes it’s not about you. Stop making everything about you!”
  • “Go cry me a river you poor sad whiny ass babies”
  • “She also also walked 10 miles to school each day, in the snow, barefoot, uphill, 8 times a day….ON TOP OF parenting 100 children, feeding 57368 animals, pruning 5279047 trees, and sleeping .35 seconds. Everyone, please applaud her for her hardship.” 
  • “Everyone has a story and hardships and we all get tired. End of story. Damn, get some therapy if this bothers you.”

That’s just a sample from some of the comments at the top of the never ending comment thread from parents to the actually quite FEW non parents who dared to comment and say they didn’t think the meme was hilarious. Most of these were amongst a ton of others attacking the same people. The gang mentality was strong, you have to worry about these people raising the future generations!!!

My favourite comment had to be this – which basically explained exactly WHY we got annoyed at this meme, because of pieces of work like THIS;

  • “I was once one of those neurotic assholes that thought I was tired as a singular person. LOL. Yah. Noooo lol. You definitely don’t know tired until you’re a parent. Plain and simple.”

Shut your pie-hole, Mummy Martyr! You’re part of the problem here!

After you read a few comments from childfree people about how the meme is patronising and we’re sick of this attitude from parents, all it is is just parents – mainly mamas – trying to out-clever each other’s comments with snark and sarcasm about those awful childfree people all over the comments being horrible to poor Jillian and being too sensitive. Comment. After. Comment!!! They don’t even see the stupidity or the irony of saying WE are the “whiny bitches”.

Then the articles started coming… Jillian Michaels is clearly milking all the publicity she can out of this “shit storm” as she calls it. Google’ Jillian Michaels, tired meme’ and you get at least two pages of links to boring articles about this.

She even posted a new separate thread linking one of the articles and started her minions off again!!!

Jillian Michaels won’t let it die…

Oh and just to add, this is the woman who has upset the childfree community before;

Jillian Michaels Thinks The Childfree are Selfish and Immature

And even the parents!!!

Jillian Michaels won’t do that to her body

So I hope you enjoyed your free publicity, Jillian. I guess a few more people know who the hell you are now. But I don’t think you can milk it anymore, sorry about that! Maybe try again in a year or so…

In the meantime, a few of the ranting mummies in the comments sarcastically suggested we make our own meme if we’re “so offended”. I just decided to add an extra part to the existing one. So here you go…

so cute

 

 

The April Fool’s Pregnancy Prank – It’s No More Offensive Than Anything Else Online!

April Fool’s Day came and went, and with it came the “Please don’t joke about being pregnant” memes and statuses everywhere you looked online!  It was hard to decide on a post to respond to here but I picked one eventually.

Finally I chose one that covers a few points; Please Don’t Pretend You’re Pregnant On April Fool’s Day

Now personally, I find April Fool’s Day to be a total bore. I’m not into practical jokes, I much prefer subtle humour, literal humour and that ever popular British brand of humour – sarcasm. However, some people love to pull pranks and that’s their prerogative. Nobody has the right to tell them not to do it!  As most people advise, if you don’t like something you see online, scroll past it! Hell, I see offensive stuff every day online but I let it go, because the things I get butthurt about are no more important than anyone else’s list of “things that offend”. If we all went around trying to tell people not to post things that offend us, the internet might as well be closed down!

closed internet

Lets go through the reasons people think you shouldn’t joke about being preggers on April Fool’s Day.

1 Don’t do it out of respect for your infertile friends and those who have lost a baby

I would think, rather than targeting those people making a lame joke which will probably last for less than 24 hours once this year, you should be making a plea to people with kids to post less photos and gushing statuses about their precious babies and children. That has to hurt way more than this once-a-year joke that might not even hit your timeline at all anyway! But you can’t do that. And you can’t tell people what not to joke about either.

2. You’ll be answering questions for days… Facebook won’t know you’re ‘just kidding’

“Facebook”?? Or do you mean our Facebook FRIENDS? I doubt Facebook itself is going to contact us giving us much congratulations. And if any of my Facebook friends believed a status I post on April Fool’s Day about suddenly being preggers, I would realise I had really overestimated their intelligence all this time!!

3.  When you’re actually pregnant, people won’t believe you

Because I made a joke one time five years back about being preggers on April 1st?? I really don’t think that will be much of a problem! I think they’d believe me. And if they didn’t, I’d just wait until I had a big old baby bump and shove that in their faces! Problem solved. Anyway, I’m childfree, so it’s never going to happen!

4.  Some friends will be hurt you didn’t tell them first

Then they’ll stop and think, ‘hang on, it’s 1st of April. Nice one SW, great joke!’

5.  You may break your mama’s heart

I’d break her heart if I said I WAS pregnant!!  If I thought it was true though, and wanted to play this joke on friends, I’d just tell her in advance “Hey mum, when I post that I’m preggers on April Fool’s Day, it’s just a joke okay!”. Again, problem solved!

6.  You may not have intended to be a jerk, but you have to have fertility etiquette

Do I? No but, really, DO I?? It’s just a joke! If you see it and don’t like it, scroll past. The internet is a harsh place, I get into online arguments all the time. Those people have NO etiquette. There was a time I was in an argument with a mama, and she decided to go onto my profile – that I have since made extremely secure and this couldn’t happen again – saved a load of photos of me, and then posted them back on the comment thread with insults about my appearance, other mamas chimed in and they all had a great old time ripping the sh*t out of me! (Great role models to their kids, and very mature mamas huh?) My point is, you will come across offensive things and very nasty people every day online. You cannot police what happens on the world wide web! 

Also, I’m sorry but what one person gets upset about is no more important than what someone else gets upset about! For you it’s seeing jokes about being pregnant… for someone else it’ll be jokes about “gingers” (yes okay, that is me. I had a hard time in my young days due to bullying about my hair colour, and “ginger” jokes hurt me even today, even when they’re not aimed at me) and for others it’ll be jokes about being too tall or short. Yet the only thing I see posted everywhere is “NEVER joke about being pregnant!” Who decided that is the worst thing ever to joke about?

battles

I read one article about this whole mountain-out-of-molehill that said “haven’t you ever wanted anything so much you wanted to cry”? Erm… well yeah. I’d love a home in the Seychelles, a lamborghini and to look like a supermodel! I’ll never achieve any of those things – so… don’t anyone post about their holiday homes, flashy cars or post selfies if you’re particularly beautiful! It was probably the lamest “don’t joke about being pregnant” arguments I’ve heard yet!

All this said, I actually do have sympathy for those who want children badly and are suffering with infertility. And yes I realise the pain of that is probably something a lot of people won’t properly understand as it’s a ‘you have to go through it to know’ type of hurting. But so are a LOT of other things, and just because it’s baby-related doesn’t give anyone special privileges to tell others what to do. I’m afraid parents and potential parents have become a little too used to being given special treatment.

Anyway,as I said, I find April Fool’s Day ridiculous, so I didn’t participate at all. However, I know many did, and that is their right. If you see something you don’t like, look away and scroll past. And then get on with your day! Like people do every day all over the world about many things they find hurtful online.

I promise, you will have an easier life that way!

Why Your Post P*ssed Off A LOT Of People…

It’s been a while guys, I’m sorry. Damn bad health and stressful life. But there was an article by a guy called Gavin McInnes that has had everyone in the childfree community up in arms recently that got me back here to respond!! It’s titled;

Why Your Top 10 Reasons For Not Having Kids Are Stupid

Oh boy, this one!!! Where to even begin… For starters, he references that ridiculous advert where the guy goes around saying “I’ll never do this, I’ll never do that” and doing each one of them. Then he’s sprogged up at the end, sitting with his wife and kids, and says “I’m never letting go”, insinuating he’ll be running off with the hot secretary first chance he gets! (it’s an American advert, you can see it here; State Farm Ad.) I mean, everyone knows that advert is stupid. So we know his whole article will be stupid too.

I shall address his points which are bordering on deluded insanity one by one. I swear this guy has a bad case of baby brain…

oh boy here we go

1. Ew, Diapers? Gross

Do you wipe your own ass? This is the same thing, only much smaller. You’ll be surprised how un-gross changing diapers is. I knew our third would be our last, and each diaper change was getting closer to the last I would ever do. I coveted each chocolate-covered nutsack like I was the White House pastry chef, and when the last diaper went into the trash, I cried like a baby.

  • It’s nothing like wiping our own arse, unless every time you poo you then sit in it for a while and it squidges down your legs and you then wipe it with your nose right above it getting a good old whiff and getting it all over your fingers. Even a lot of parents say changing them is gross. Also, you just called your baby’s testicles “chocolate covered nutsacks”. Everything else you say is invalid!!!!

2. I Hate Kids

No, you hate other people’s kids. We all do. These are your kids. They don’t just look like you, they are you. Have you noticed that, as you get older, your dad goes from cruel tyrant to just a wrinkled version of you? It’s the same with kids, but in reverse. If my son screws up a drawing, he rips it to pieces and hurls it into the garbage in a rage, where it lands next to the crumpled notes I just threw in there in a similar rage.

  • Well we don’t know that until I try it do we. So… shall I just go ahead and have a kid to test it out?? You will take it if, like I imagine, it is actually all kids I hate and parenting turns out to be the hell I imagine it to be? Cool, thanks.

3. I Just Don’t See the Appeal

Do me a favor. Smell a baby’s breath and get back to me.

Okay… done!  I’m getting back to you now. What next??

4. Only Egomaniacs Have Kids

“Are you so obsessed with yourself you need to make more of you?” a friend recently asked so I’d stop hassling him about being childless. You can phrase it any way you want, but the biological imperative is the most intrinsically human thing you can possibly do. It’s the meaning of life.

As far as it being selfish, trust me, you are way too busy running around praising, reprimanding, hugging, and giving time-outs to gloat at your prodigy. That’s something only the childless have time to think about.

  • “Intrinsically human”, is that why the whole animal world does it too? Humans can opt out, and many choose to. I’m not sure why that matters to you! Oh boy, the whole “childFREE are selfish” line. That’s a tick on my bingo card! As I always say, ask a parent what is the most important thing in their life, they’ll say “my kids” or “my family”. Nobody else factors into it. They don’t care about anyone or anything else (unless that outside thing has an effect on them and theirs), which I would say is the very definition of “selfish”!!! It’s not something you “think about”, it’s something you are! And you wanna see gloating parents? Just check out Facebook, or STFU Parents!

 

5. I’m Too Selfish

This is the opposite of the egomaniac excuse, and it’s often followed by, “I can barely feed myself.” Don’t fret, virtue signalers. You will be able to summon the strength to prevent your child from starving to death. It’s an instinct that goes back at least a quarter of a million years. Besides, they scream so unbelievably loud at night, you can’t possibly ignore them.

After that, they learn to walk and develop incredible strategies to avoid being ignored, like growing big eyes and saying the darndest things such as “The Bob Marley has begun” and “Scientists say, when you read a book to love, you just fall apart.”

  • I’m not selfish!! I actually care more about my non existent child than many care about theirs who are actually here on earth. I don’t want to pass on bad health, hereditary problems, subject them to a mother who suffers with mental health issues, is broke, lives in a small flat, isn’t married, can’t work and also has no patience and doesn’t like children or noise! I’m going against what society expects of me and taking flack for it – definitely not a selfish act!

6. The World Is Overpopulated

Er, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a eugenics nut, but it’s about quality, not quantity. Yes, India has dead bodies floating down the river. Your local public school having yet another kid named Cody is not going to cause global warming.

These kinds of myths gain traction because of the death of math. We want to save all the kittens and rescue all the pups and kill all the babies, because we think there are a finite number of each. There are seven billion of us. Your gestures aren’t “thinking globally.” They’re not thinking at all. If you go on to the beach and wash one grain of sand, you’re not “doing your part.” You’re wasting your time. We live in the safest, healthiest, and most prosperous nation ever. If anyone should feel good about creating more people here, it’s you. And if you don’t, someone else will.

  • Wow, you’re a eugenics nut… the ignorance just gets worse doesn’t it!! “Quality not quantity”? What a shame you didn’t elaborate on exactly what you mean by that!  Yes I want to rescue all the kittens and puppies, but where did you get the idea that I want to kill babies? (apart from the fact I am pro-choice, which is a whole other topic). I see you’re speaking just for America there – you do realise there is a whole world out here, right? I live in London in the UK, and we are overpopulated! The world as a whole is overpopulated. We don’t need to start building on green and pleasant land just to fit in humans that people like you mass-created! I’m happy to let the idiots like yourself create people – coz guess what? When your kids grow up, I’ll be gone and nobody I love will be left here to worry about. So do what you want, once I check out I really don’t care what happens here anymore!

7. My Parents Were Horrible and I Don’t Want to Repeat That

Yeah, your lineage has been polluted by the crappy parent gene, and you’re doing the world a service by cutting it off. In fact, the opposite is true. My experience has been that the children of negligent parents know exactly how damaging that is and are the least likely to reproduce it (“my experience” is code for “white middle class” and is relevant here because that’s likely who is reading this article—sorry).

Have you been around the dads without dads? The biggest problem with them is they dote on their children too much.

  • Please don’t tell damaged and traumatised people what to do! Let them live their life in a way that makes them happy, yeah? You come off as a complete arsehole here!

8. It’s No Big Deal If I Don’t

Really? How could it possibly be a bigger deal? Besides the part where our entire civilization is choosing to stop reproducing, what about you? Cavemen fought saber-toothed tigers. Your ancestors survived the plague. World war after world war went by, and your relatives made it through, and you’re going to throw that all away with a shrug? You’re ending that incredible journey through history because you like watching Netflix in the daytime?

  • Of course, you’re totally right that all the childfree do is watch Netflix all day! None of us work. None of us have friends. None of us have hobbies. None of us have responsibilities. Only people with kids do, childfree people just sit around with our feet up day and night, that’s if we manage to get out of our bed where we lay around selfishly hour upon hour!  Seriously though, sarcasm aside – my family line ends with me! I am my mother’s only child, even my cousins are not blood as my mum’ sister was adopted. My dad has four other kids by different women and is no longer in my life (yep, he was a breeder. I guess you’re impressed by that!?) and they all have one or two kids, so his family name is safe unfortunately! But none of this is going to change my mind!! I have solid reasons not to reproduce, and y’know what even if someone just doesn’t want to, that is reason enough too!!

 

9. It’s Too Expensive

So is eating out in New York if you do it wrong. You can have a dinner for $4 or you can have one for $400. Public school is free, and there are still plenty of areas where they’re just as good as private. Bicycles are cheap, toys are cheaper, second-hand clothes are everywhere, and kids don’t really care if they’re in an apartment or a mansion. College and piano lessons are all frills kids don’t require. In the ’70s, we didn’t have any of that stuff, and we loved it. Having a kid is exactly as expensive as you want it to be.

  • Hey, now THAT changes things! All kids ever need are toys, bikes and piano lessons – oh and those petty things like school and clothes. But really, how expensive can all that stuff be? I honestly don’t know why people worry. Why on earth are there families living in poverty when it’s cheap as chips to keep kids happy and alive!? You need to go and tell those families how silly they’re being. 

 

10. We’re Not Ready

Women are convinced they can cram a career in before their ovaries dry up, but did you notice you started menstruating at 14? Twenty-four is already ten years past that date. At 34, you’ve basically told your womb to pack it in. I’ve heard doctors get in trouble for saying this to their patients, but for the umpteenth time: The hour glass of your fertility turns upside down at 30, and five years later it’s all but drained.

Anecdotal evidence to the contrary is dangerous to cling to. I don’t know how many couples my age have realized it’s too late way after their best-before date and have spent tens of thousands of dollars attempting to reverse the clock. When they do manage to pull it off, they have to worry about health issues and autism, not to mention how brutal it is to get no sleep when you’re over 40.

Look, going out for dinner is fun and Barcelona is beautiful at this time of year, but eventually you close that chapter in your life and move on to the next one. That’s what I was trying to say in “The Death of Cool.” I’m not trying to take away the party years where you did whatever you wanted and traveled the world getting blackout drunk. Do that.  However, adults recognize this is only a stage, and eventually you’re ready to move on to the next one. You’ve been a kid for decades now. It’s time to grow up and make some of your own.

  • Oh boy!! The stereotypes are many in this bunch of nonsense. Lets give this a try;
  1. Are you trying to say that we should’ve had a kid at 14?? Or that it’s okay to do so? Coz, WOW! Also, I have friends who had kids at 40/41 who are healthy and happy, and so are the mums. So GTFO with your rubbish about 30 or even 35!
  2. Having kids older also means you’ve lived your life, had your fun and now can devote everything you have to being a good parent, forever! You will be more likely to PARENT your kids rather than try to be their “cool older friend” like so many do now. As for needing sleep, have you seen some teenagers still laying in their pit at 2pm? 
  3. Oh God!! Yes, all we childfree do is party, take holidays non stop and get so drunk we don’t know what day it is most of the time. NOT!!!!! Please, someone end this damn stereotype. It’s annoying, and so very wrong. Believe it or not, a lot of childfree people are not actually rolling in money either. I know, amazing!  Yes going clubbing and getting drunk was a phase. My phase lasted from about age 16 to 30 and I don’t regret a minute of it. My friends and I always stuck together, were responsible and never woke up anywhere but our own homes the next morning (or afternoon. lol). But the thought of a night out now I’m 40+ makes me shudder. Yes I’m childfree, but I have no money for holidays, I barely touch alcohol and I don’t remember the last night out I had.
  4. I’m not a “kid” mate. Having kids is not just a natural “phase” we reach, it’s something that is inside most women but it’s not inside us. We just don’t have that maternal instinct and wouldn’t you prefer that people feeling like that DON’T reproduce and become one of the bad parents whose kids grow up damaged? Just THINK about it! 

I’m done here.

9 Things Your Toddler Does That Do Not Excuse You Being a Rude Biatch!!

So, the latest post to leave me open-mouthed was this one;

9 Things My Toddler Does That I’m No Longer Apologizing For

What gets me about this one is that it starts off fairly neutral, you think “okay, kind of get that”. And then she hits about point #4 and it’s like she’s getting more irate and angry, and she just ends up being a rude moo with no idea about basic social decency and no consideration for anyone around her. So, lets take a look at this mummy nobody wants to come across!!

1.       I’m not sorry she doesn’t want to say hello to you.

Sometimes my little girl refuses to say hello.  Sometimes she’s the complete opposite and she’ll greet everyone as we walk down the grocery aisle. In the instance that she doesn’t want to say hi and she hides behind my legs, that’s okay. Don’t take it personally. I’m not going to apologise for her feeling shy and vulnerable at that moment. I’m going to tell her it’s nice to say hi but if she doesn’t want to, she can wait until she is comfortable to do so.

With this one, I was like, yeah okay. I understand that. You don’t force a shy toddler to talk to someone if they really don’t want to. I was a shy child, and if I was hiding behind my mother’s legs I really wouldn’t have responded too well to her prising me away and forcing me to engage with a stranger.

2.       I’m not sorry she pushed in line.

My little girl does kindergym and this often involves children doing set activities in a particular order. These kids are all a bit older and understand the concept of ‘waiting your turn’. Well, my little girl and I are still working on that. If she pushes in, she didn’t do it to “get in first’ – she simply didn’t see your child there waiting. She saw the equipment and wanted to play on it. Yes, I’ll gently move her off, point to the waiting child and explain it to her again and again. But she didn’t mean it or do it with intent. If your five year old has a tantrum because their turn was delayed by 10 seconds, remind them they were two once as well.

Yeah, kind of lost my understanding a bit on this. You DO have to apologise for this. You just know when HER child is 5 (is that a magical age when all kids should know how to conduct themselves in public), and has a meltdown because a kid jumped ahead of her in a queue, she’ll be demanding an apology from the kid’s mother!

3.       I’m not sorry she wants my attention when you’re talking to me.

I am everything to my little girl. If she does something she is proud of, she wants to tell me. If she hurts herself, she was to show me. She doesn’t understand that grown ups are talking and she should patiently wait to tell me about a bug she saw in the grass. Sometimes I’ll ask her to wait, other times I won’t. I want to listen to her story and I want to be present for her in that moment. I’m not always going to be her everything, so while I am, I am going to make the most of it.

Yeah, no, sorry!! I’ve had this happen way too many times when I’m with friends. If the kid hurts itself, or gets into something it shouldn’t, yes of course mum has to stop the conversation to go and see to the kid. But, if she wants to show mummy a bug… tell her to wait!! She’s not going to hit her teens and hate you just yet!!

4.       I’m not sorry she accidently bumped into your child.

My little girl is a tough nut. If she accidently bumps into someone, she’ll dust herself off and continue on as if nothing happened. Sometimes, the other child isn’t so tough and that little bump or bruise they’ve just copped results in a display suitable for someone being hit by a car. Seriously. I’m not apologising if my 12kg little girl accidently knocks into a child older and bigger than her. Those kids just have to harden up!

Now she’s starting to lose the plot a bit. You can almost see the steam starting to come out of her ears as she thinks of occasions when her little darling has done something and she’s been expected to apologise, and she’s thought NO – I WILL NOT!!!! lol  

So, listen up other mums. Your children just have to change their character and strength to fit in with this woman’s kid! It’s just the way it has to be I’m afraid. Your kids just have to get tough! (What a cow).

5.       I’m not sorry I’m taking up the footpath.

Yes I have a pram. Inside that pram, I have a 13 week old and next to that pram is my two year old walking as fast as her little legs can go. That pram is packed to brim with every ‘in case of emergency’ item you can think of. It’s safe to say, I’m not moving off that footpath with a load that’s already hard enough to push.

Of course I’d move for the elderly, disabled or anyone who clearly needed the footpath more than myself, but if you’re a fully able 17 year old girl who scoffs as you have to step on the grass to walk around us. Tough.

Oh dear!! She started out so well… and now she’s just lost me completely. This is just a case of social ettiquette. Don’t take up a whole pavement! If it’s a narrow path, okay I get your point, but otherwise, on an average street, just move a bit. Some people are in a hurry; running for a bus or train, late for work, rushing to hospital to see a sick relative… just have some consideration and move a little to the side!  And just a tip, you really don’t need to bring that much baby stuff just to go to the shops. Lighten your load a bit, and you CAN move out of the way with no excuses! 

And you just know a teenage girl has tutted as she’s had to go in the road to get round her at some point. lol  On that note, I would just like to add, you NEVER know if someone is “fully able” just from how old they look!!!

6.       I’m not sorry she gets dirty.

Yes, I let my daughter play outside. Yes, she does get incredibly dirty. She’s often covered in dog slobber, dirt and probably has horse poo in her shoes. That’s life at my house. If your child comes over to play and they don’t like the dirt and scream when she comes close – I’m not apologising. You can just hop back in your car and bugger off.

Your house sounds disgusting, and I doubt anyone wants to come and visit you with that attitude!!

7.       I’m not sorry that she stopped in front of you when you were walking

I hated children at the shopping centre before I had my own. I would wonder why their parents couldn’t just keep them in line and stop them from walking in front of me or stopping in my way. Now I’ve got two, I feel their pain.

If my little girl happens to stumble in your way, or stop to point to her shoe and tell me about it. Deal with it. She doesn’t know you’re there and she doesn’t care. Personally, I don’t care that you’re there either. Walk around us. It’s not hard.

Nope!! One of my pet peeves is kids wandering in front of me, or just stopping without warning. You know if I ram into them, the mother is going to mouth off at me! 

Also, fantastic attitude lady! You don’t care people are around you. All you care about is you and yours. People like you are a large part of what is wrong in this world. If you don’t care about anyone else, why do you expect them to give a toss about you? I’ll just keep walking in a straight line, your kid will have to get out of my way. I DON’T CARE that she’s there!!! How does that sound to you?!

8.       I’m not sorry she doesn’t share well.

My girl’s definition of sharing is playing ‘next to’ another child. If she see’s something she wants, she’ll try take it. She adores playing with other children, but she is two. Two year olds are all about themselves. I am teaching her that sharing is the right thing to do and it can be rewarding to do so, but she doesn’t agree with me yet. And to be honest, all the kids she plays with does the same to her. I’d rather her snatch a toy off someone who has snatched it off her then be a doormat.

Wow! I would love to check in to this woman’s life in about 12 years’ time and see exactly what sort of human she’s raised. So… you’re happy she’s snatched another kid’s toy (you’ll just assume that the kid snatched it from her initially), and you’ll teach her that she doesn’t need to give it back or say sorry. YOU won’t say sorry. Nobody says sorry. You’re teaching this kid that nothing she does is her fault and she need not take responsibility or feel remorse about anything. 

Great job parenting!

9.       I’m not sorry for not saying sorry.

My little girl is getting older and she needs to know that I’ve got her back. I’m no longer apologising and making her feel bad in instances where she hasn’t really and truthfully done the wrong thing. I’m giving her space to grow and live and if that means hurting some feelings along the way, so be it.

So really, that was just 8 things your kid does that you’re not saying sorry for. Now you’re telling us you’re not sorry for not saying sorry!? I think you’re getting confused luv. 

 

Your version of her “not really and truthfully doing the wrong thing” is nobody else’s version. Yes there are things she’ll do because she’s two years old, but she needs to learn that’s not the right way to do things and she needs to know that and apologise or hear her MUM apologise.

As for the last sentence… This woman shouldn’t be a mother! As long as she and her kid are okay, no matter anyone is hurt along the way. That’s basically it in a nutshell really. I cringe to think what that two year old will be like when she’s an adult!

This whole mess is like a tutorial of how NOT to parent your kid! Vile woman!

 

 

“I’M SO TIRED”, THINGS WOMEN WITH CHILDREN CAN’T TELL WOMEN WITHOUT THEM NOT TO SAY!I

The latest article I had major problems with was this; “I’M SO TIRED, THINGS WOMEN WITHOUT CHILDREN SHOULDN’T SAY TO WOMEN WITH THEM”

I thought mums were all played out with this type of post. But apparently not. Julia Austin apparently felt it necessary to give us all a list of things we are not allowed to say to those golden “Childed Ones”. The article itself is ‘click bait’, but I managed to get through the stupid slide-show, and here is my response. Julia luv, listen up!!! I’m going to assume YOU have kids (not much of a leap huh?) and will address my replies to you!

I’M SO SLEEP-DEPRIVED

You’re sleep deprived? At least your sleep schedule is determined by your ownschedule. A mom’s sleep schedule is determined by when her kids go to bed, when they wake up, and when they want breakfast at the crack of dawn. A mother’s work is never done.

Poor “mom”, remind me… did you CHOOSE this life or am I going crazy? Also, apart from the ridiculous notion that you can TELL other people what to say and what not to say, you need to keep in mind that that childfree person you’re yelling at might have a terminally ill relative they were up all night with, they might have been studying all night and had zero hours sleep, they might have been working a night shift, they might be ill themselves, they might have a very sick animal they were tending to all night (not that that would count in your eyes obviously!)… THEIR sleep schedule may well be determined by outside factors. Never assume because someone doesn’t have kids that they are free to do what they want when they want!

I’VE HAD NO TIME TO GO TO THE GYM

You probably haven’t had time to go to the gym because you’ve been too busy with work or simply haven’t felt like going. Your friend who is a mom has probably been too busy with kids to find time to exercise. The gym is a luxury for her.

1/ Who even SAYS this!??

2/ Why is being too busy for anything because of work any more preferable to being too busy because of having kids. In fact, your childfree friend has no time because she’s doing something she most likely doesn’t enjoy but is forced to do. You’re too busy because you’re doing something you chose to do and probably love doing!  And for either person it makes the gym a “luxury”.

Rubbish point!

YOU’RE GLAD YOU HAD KIDS, RIGHT?

Is that your way of asking if she would do things differently? Because um…the kids are sort of here now. There’s no going back at this point.

With your general attitude, you can’t blame her for asking! You definitely do NOT seem glad you had kids!!!

THE RESTAURANT IS NOT EXACTLY KID-FRIENDLY…

Well, then why did you choose such a place for dinner? Now she has to waste time and money looking for a babysitter! Way to make your mom and her little ones feel left out.

Hmmm, because it was HER event!?? And she does not have to change her life and interests to fit her childed friends! If you can’t go coz kids, don’t go. Politely say you can’t make it as you have no babysitter and ask if you can go somewhere kid-friendly next time so you can spend some time with your friend and not have to look for and pay for a babysitter. I’m sure she will oblige.

MY DOG DOES THE SAME THING

Oh, really? Your dog does? Then you must know exactly what it’s like to be a parent, right?

Wow you bitter moo… did she SAY it means she knows what being a parent is like? She’s trying to relate to you, to converse with you and be more on your wavelength. Feel flattered coz she’s trying to hold on to your failing friendship!!!

DINNER IS AT 9 P.M.

After putting her kids to sleep, your friend goes to bed at 9 p.m. So why are you setting up late times to hang out? That’s so cruel.

Here we go again… if you can’t go, don’t go!!! And perhaps she arranges things for 9pm because she works long hours and it’s the only time she can manage. The childfree are busy too sometimes believe it or not!

YOU NEED TO GET YOUR ROOTS DONE

Oh, right. Because she just forgot. She didn’t realize her roots had grown out. Nope. Good thing you said something because she has all the time in the world to go to the salon…

1/ Again, who the hell says this?? Julia, you’re making this up as you go along.

2/ No time.. bla bla bla… heard it all before.

3/ They’re called home dye kits! Try one, they’re a great invention and mean no trip to the salon. You need to get out more.

I’M GETTING VAJAZZLED

Don’t tell your mom friend, whose vagina was put through the wringer during childbirth, about how you’re decorating your lady business.

Okay, yes, got it! Don’t chat or gossip with your “mom friend”. It’s OUR fault your vag resembles the Blackwall Tunnel. (it’s an English thing, but you get the idea).

I NEVER TREAT MYSELF ANYMORE

That’s because you spent all your extra money on your nice apartment. Your mom friend, on the other hand, spent it all on diapers and groceries.

And there we are, the stereotype childfree person who has so much “extra money”, she doesn’t know what to do with it. Well y’know what, some of us have NO “extra money” to do ANYTHING with. You should think yourself lucky you do have some, even if it’s spent on nappies and food!

CAN’T YOU JUST GET A SITTER?

They don’t just appear out of thin air! Especially not good, trustworthy, honest ones.

So explain that to her – she probably  just doesn’t understand, being childfree. You don’t have to be rude, just tell how it really is and she’ll remember and not say it another time.

YOU’RE LUCKY! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

Your mom friend would be glad just to clock in at 9 a.m. and clock out at 5 p.m. like she used to, especially if motherhood worked like that. She doesn’t even get a clock anymore.

Wow, has it been THAT long since you went to work!? I don’t know anyone who does 9-5 like they should. I used to go into work at 7am just to try and shift some of the backlog. Other colleagues would stay a couple of hours late for the same reason. Then there’s the commute home; packed trains or buses, no seat even though you’ve been running around in the workplace all day and you’re close to dropping. Stuck in traffic or waiting for delayed or cancelled trains. Then when you get in, you have to do all the things a SAHM has done in the house during the daytime, you might finally sit down at about 10.30pm after a late dinner, have an hour to TRY to chill out, then you need to sleep because you have to do it ALL again tomorrow!

Please don’t talk to working people about your hard day!!!! (see, telling you what you’re not ‘allowed’ to say is being an ass isn’t it!?)

I HAVE NO TIME TO MYSELF

If your mom friend wants to be alone, she has to plan it with her equally busy partner or pay for a sitter.

And your childfree friend probably can’t even get time alone THAT easily! She has a job to go to everyday – or did you think she can just ring in and say she doesn’t fancy going in today!??

I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME

Don’t. Even.

Yeah, that’s how I feel!! The many different lifestyles your childfree friend might be leading, that may involve more people pulling her all ways than yours does! I can’t even be bothered to list them.

WHEN I HAVE KIDS…

Your plans sound fine and dandy now but know that all that goes out the window when the kids actually show up. You never know what you will do or how you will be until you actually become a parent.

But she can have plans and ideals. She’s not telling YOU what to do, she’s saying she likes to think she’d do it a particular way. What is wrong with you? Do you take everything personally or what?

You’ll never hear that from a woman who has chosen to never have kids anyway.

YOU CAN GET DRUNK BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BABYSITTER

Yeah, but…she also still has kids who will wake her up at 6 a.m. and scream all day when she’s hung-over. Plus, she has too many responsibilities to waste time trying to nurse a hangover.

She just wants you to chill a bit, stop talking about your kids the entire time on your night out and be the friend she’s missed so much!  I doubt there’s much chance of that though – in any way at all!

I’m surprised Julia has any friends left, in fact by now she probably hasn’t!!!

Your Opinion Is Not Needed Or Wanted – Giving It Is An Insult To EVERYBODY!

Some time back, I read a blog post that had 99% of commenters riled up in a big way… and it was this;

Your Dog Is Not One Of Your Kids – Saying That Is An Insult To Moms

In this post, a self-confessed “Crunchy Mama” drones on bitterly about how her kids are such an inconvenience and so much hard work, so how dare anybody with a dog (and I assume she means ANY animal here) call it our child and ever try to draw comparisons with her thankless task of being “mama” to her hell spawn.

So now I’m writing my anti-mama blog where I will be addressing anything I see that is hating on the childfree, I can finally really hit back at this “Ph.D Dropout” (Really? We’d never have realised…)

Say you love them, but don’t call them your “furkid.”

I have a dog. Two dogs, in fact. We got our puppies before we got our kids, and we loved them. We kissed them. We cuddled them. We bought them too many toys; we overindulged them with treats. We gave them silly pet names and let them sleep in our beds.

First of all – none of your business, lady. Secondly… you’re using past tense. What happened when, BABIES??

But never did we call those beloved canines “furkids” or “furbabies”. Because the last I checked, dogs ain’t people. 

Your puppy is not your child, so stop saying that he is. I have three children now, and I know this for certain — kids and dogs are not same.

Think about when you got your puppy. You probably picked him out at the local ASPCA, or selected him from the local breeder. Basically, you pointed to a dog and said, “That one.”

On the other hand, most mothers went through nine months of body invasion, followed by one of the most intense physical experiences of her life. Then they dropped a baby on her chest. It was all agony and joy and angels singing.

And even if you adopt, you go through paperwork and waiting hell before you find yourself weak in the knees, hands a-tremble, as you weep with joy when someone hands you your child for the first time.

Aww, MAN!!! I didn’t take (or start to take) a “Ph.D” so I didn’t realise. I thought dogs WERE people?! Are you sure they’re not just people with four legs and fur that say “WOOF”? Well, that’s me well and truly TOLD!

Yes, dog owners do that. They go to shelters, they deliberate, they look, they bond… and then their heart just gets stolen by one dog and they HAVE to have that one, they take it home and love it and care for it, and pay out for it, and protect it, the dog they chose!!! Correct me if I’m wrong, but you didn’t get to choose your kids, you were just given them and you HAVE to love them. I’m sorry you had such a hard time with your pregnancy that you call carrying your precious children “body invasion”. But it’s really not the pet owners problem if you have regrets!!!

Getting a dog just doesn’t stack up.

Yes, both puppies and newborn babies wake up in the night. It sucks to wake up and let a dog out but it sucks more to wake up and attempt to latch an unwilling, wailing infant to your breast.

Then, once you’ve managed to feed your bundle of joy, you have to get him back to sleep. The puppy doesn’t decide to party until 5am, at which point it’s time for another feeding.

Then there’s babyproofing. You puppy-proofed your house — you removed all things chewable, took up poisonous plants, and provided appropriate chew toys.

When I babyproofed my house, I had to make sure little hands couldn’t gain access to caustic cleaning fluids. I had to look for strangulation hazards (goodbye, Roman blinds) and put safety locks on all the cabinets (which are a giant pain in the ass).

If your baby is unwilling and wailing when you try to feed it, perhaps it isn’t crying from hunger. I’d suggest checking it’s nappy or burping it or whatever you do with infants! For your information, dogs have occasions where they bark uncontrollably, or just run about the house like a maniac at 5am! Same with cats.

You babyproofed your house – props to you! I’m sure all mothers and fathers do the same! What’s the significance here!?

If I failed in my duties, I’m not facing a chewed-up family heirloom; I’m looking at a dead kid and a DSS inquiry.

The stakes are a wee bit higher. 

Not that owning a dog isn’t high stakes. You’re responsible for the feeding and caring of your dog. Pet ownership is a serious commitment that should only be taken up by those who really mean to care for an animal for the rest of it’s natural life.

You’re stuck with your dog … except you’re not because you can leave. Before my husbandand I had kids, we traveled all the time — dropped the pups by the doggie spa, payed extra for playground time, and hopped the plane guilt-free.

I can’t just leave my toddlers. Sure, maybe one day I’ll be able to leave them with relatives for some overnights. But it’s not quite as simple as plunking my credit card down at the kennel.

You can mostly ignore your dog. Yes, your dog lives in your house, and yes, you love it. But your attention is not focused on the dog every moment it’s awake.

WOW, you must fail in your duties in a BIG way if dead kids are the result!

Now here’s where I start getting quite angry. You are clearly a very bad dog owner… other people are NOT however. Other people would NOT dump their beloved family members off at a “doggie spa” and then jet off “guilt free” like you apparently did before BAYBEES and would still be doing if not for BAYBEES!

And “you can mostly ignore your dog”??? Sorry lady, are you fucking serious?? If someone does that then they do not deserve a dog! And I’m guessing that is how yours are treated now. As a great big inconvenience because… CHILDREN!!!

Five minutes of inattention on my part and my toddler’s drinking bleach and bathing in the toilet.

If my kids are awake, I need to know what they’re doing, where they’re doing it, and what they’re doing it with. I don’t have to follow them from room to room, but it helps.

And at the risk of sounding like an annoying parent here: Kids do some amazing things dogs just can’t stack up to. Sure, you can teach Fido to fetch, but that pride is nothing compared to your kid learning to read.

Sheesh Ms Crunchy, you really need to get your act together!  Or stop being so paranoid. One or the other. Have you heard of playpens? I think the US call them ‘pack and play’? Amazing invention. You can put toddlers in them with a few toys and know that they’ll be safe while you turn your back for five mins. Try it!!

Congrats to your kid, but honestly… I really couldn’t give a tiny rat’s ass!!!

Both give sloppy kisses, but only one lisps, “I wuv you, mommy.”

Potty training’s more of a milestone. And can your dog draw you pictures with hearts on them?

None of this covers the myriad of things I have to do for my kids every day. My dogs watch me prepare lunches, read The Cat in the Hat, and wipe snot off people’s faces.

While my pups take their business outside, my kids require constant diaper changes.

The dogs don’t melt down when their favorite Star Wars figure breaks and they bite me a hell of a lot less. They don’t call me a “poop-head.” This is just one of the reasons I love them.

Aww, bless you. Wait till they’re older and are saying “I HATE YOU MUM”! lol

And really? You love the dogs you ignore and used to shove in kennels so you could go on holiday guilt free, huh?? Just FYI by the way, animals show their love every single day; dogs, cats, whatever animal a person may have brought into their family. With a look, a touch, a gesture, a woof or meow. And it will never change!!

I know you’ll say I sound like a self-righteous parent here.

Maybe you don’t ever want kids, which you’ll somehow make germane to the discussion, but which is neither here nor there.

Say you love your dogs. Say they make your life worth living. Say they’re your one-and-only. Call yourself a dog person.

But don’t call your dog a baby. Don’t call him your “furkid” or “furbaby.”

Because baby, it’s not even close.

Okay… “baby”. Lets break this down for you so you understand. You do not have any right to tell other people what they do in the privacy of their own homes, hell even if they want to shout “Rover, come here my little baby doggy” across the local park, they have every right. Without some jumped up little mummy who thinks she knows everything approaching them and saying “don’t call your dog a baby. Don’t call him your “furkid” or “furbaby.” I almost wish you WOULD say that to a complete stranger, and perhaps you’d find you messed with the wrong person and end up with a black eye or a broken nose!

So how about, you get on with your little life and we’ll all get on with ours.

Oh and please, for the love of God, have those sweet, innocent, NEGLECTED dogs of yours re-homed!!

Nobody Will Care You Can’t Attend As You Forgot How To Be A Decent Friend

Recently I read a blog which left me open mouthed, partly because of what was said and partly because of the horrible attitude the whole thing had to it.

The blog was called 6 Reasons We Probably Won’t Make Your Event and Why We Don’t Want You To Take It Personal. And here are my translations of each of her six excuses reasons she can’t make it.

1. We have KIDS!!! I know. I know. This one is too easy and a lot of people are tired of hearing it. However, I feel like most Need to! Especially those who do Not have kids. While we still love you, we also need you to know that you have NO idea the strange ish that randomly occurs in a household with children. A temperature that’s 2 degrees over the norm, or a baby whining because of a missed nap can drastically curve Mommy and Daddy’s care about meeting up for drinks and chatter!

Yes KIDS, you childfree fools! You know, those small, dependent, messy humans which also give us great excuses to get out of stuff we can’t really be bothered to do!  If our baby is miserable because he missed a nap, we’re not going to make your “important life event”, you literally have NO idea what busy life is like. It’s not like you work late every night, commute home on a crammed train, get home and have to do housework and cooking and then have about half an hour to get ready if you still even have the strength… you have NO idea, all this “ISH” going on here – so much “ISH”, we just cannot deal!!!

2.  We are TIRED!!! Like, not normal tired. The type of unbearable exhaustion where you fall asleep on the toilet and sneakily nod off while your child is reading “Corduroy” to you for the 678,467th time today!! Please understand that all of that Great Intention we had to make it to your housewarming just got flushed down the toilet as Soon as we sat down in one spot!

Look, you silly little single childfrees, you SAY you’re tired, but that’s just NORMAL tired. We feel the real thing, where we nod off on the toilet halfway through a number 2, or while the baby reads us a bedtime story. All of that “Great Intention” (is that a movie or a book? The capital letters make me wonder…) we had to come to your housewarming so you can show off how great your expensive furniture looks without beautiful babies to ruin it all, we just can’t now. We’re TIRED, OKAY!!!???

3.  We DON’T HAVE A BABYSITTER!!! Contrary to popular belief and practices, there are seriously only like two people in the Entire Universe, outside of ourselves, that we will allow to keep our children! Yes, we continuously crack jokes about how people can “come and get them” but ummmm, not so much! If those two individuals aren’t available, we will All stay at home! Period. There is NO outing serious enough to hound somebody to watch our children, or sacrifice their safety Just to say we attended the hottest night out of the year. Fail! That’s why we both went to college and had a whole lot of fun and got that all out of our systems! We don’t feel guilty or as if we’re missing out on anything. Sorry, but Not sorry.

The two people who will watch our precious angels are not available! They never were, even when we asked about a month in advance, but we RSVPd ‘yes’ to your invite anyway. You’re welcome!  Now we’ve reached the day itself, and, oh no, we DON’T HAVE A BABYSITTER!!! We can’t leave him with a neighbour who might turn out to be Jason Vorhees in disguise just to attend your “super-cool” party – FAIL! We never wanted to come anyway – we did all that single, childless rubbish in our youth, now our lives have MEANING!! You wouldn’t understand, you don’t have kids! We’re not missing anything anyway, we don’t like you and don’t like your parties, and we’re not going to apologise! Toodles…

4.  If ONE of us can’t attend, nine times out of ten NEITHER of us will attend!!! This is a hard one for people to understand, and we’ve lost friendships over the concept. We are Married. We are not pals, boyfriend & girlfriend, or side buddies. We are a union. A team. We make our appearances together in the situations that call for it. This isn’t really negotiable. If hubby is sick and shut in, so am I, and vice-versa. Of course this doesn’t apply to the token Girl’s or Guy’s Night Out. We respect each other’s individualized socialization. I’m referring to the things we are Both hoped to be in attendance for. This also applies to situations where one spouse may think/know that the crowd at a certain event is questionable. Again, nothing personal against You, but we choose not to put ourselves in awkward or obviously drama-filled situations when we don’t have to!

Now I’ll explain this slowly… you’re single and therefore incapable of understanding MARRIED COUPLE stuff, we’re not just boyfriend and girlfriend y’know, nothing as immature and unimportant as that! If ONE of us can’t attend, NEITHER of us will attend… unless it’s a girl’s or guy’s night. If it’s one of those, and something we think will be fun, we’ll go without the other. Otherwise, nope, we HAVE to be joined at the hip for social events.  We’ve lost countless friends over this, but we refuse to think that the problem might be with us, obviously those friends were all just unable to grasp the fact that we cannot go to these events with “questionable” clientele without each other. I mean, someone of a lower class might talk to us. Or someone without without children might try to befriend us… that sort of thing is not something either of us should have to endure alone!

Your drama filled events full of awkward silences are not high on our list of priorities – and no it’s not because nobody in our social circle doesn’t like us or know what to say to us anymore. How dare you suggest that!

5.  We actually DO have a FINANCIAL BUDGET and PRIORITIES!!! Not to rain on the parade of your $100/meal dinner party, but this week’s automatic tuition debiting from the Chase account, and the Costco diaper/wipe stock-up will probably hold a higher level of importance for us. I can cook you a fabulous meal, serve you a wonderful glass of wine, play some classic jazz tunes, and indulge you in the ambiance of my Own darn home! All for under $200. We still Love You though! 🙂

Again, not something you childfree singles would understand. You don’t have to pay out for anything, you live in a world where all your money is your own and you never have to budget, but we actually DO have a FINANCIAL BUDGET and PRIORITIES!!! Please note the capital letters and three exclamation marks, I really want you people to take this in!  The nappies and wipes we have to buy are much more important than paying for some petrol to get us to your wedding reception.  But I WILL spend an exorbitant amount if you want to come to our house, with MY choice of music, MY choice to wine, MY cooking and MY kids interrupting us every five minutes… What do you mean that makes no sense??

Love Yooouuuuu! 🙂

6.  WE JUST DON’T WANT TO GO!!! Yep, it sounds rude as hell, a bit pretentious, and will probably cause our invites to dwindle in the near future, but it’s Honest. The very few times that we actually get alone, we just want to enjoy each other! We still DO enjoy each other and we aren’t going to apologize for that. Sometimes we even just want to be left alone as a family with our boys and just relax.

Y’know what, we RSVPd “yes” or promised you we’d be there… but now the day is here, WE CAN’T BE ARSED and WE’RE NOT EVEN SORRY! We are a married couple in lurve, and we ENJOY EACH OTHER! We just want to be cocooned in a little bubble with our rugrats screaming in the background and just chill the hell out. Who needs friends, we’ve got each other!?

I just hope for her sake that her marriage never fails and she finds she needs those friends she shut out completely. I get that she needs to put her husband and kids first, I really do. But her attitude towards her friends is disgusting; “sorry, not sorry”,  “we’re not apologising”,”we don’t want to” and some of those “reasons” are straight up EXCUSES! Further ahead, when her kids fly the nest and it’s just her the partner she “enjoys” so much, she might just find herself going stir crazy and needing those friends… but they won’t be there!!!